I am like so bored at work and yes I have not been blogging, I even forget to blog for Eugene de birthday OTL


Oh well today is 16 march

Happy Birthday Melvin XD enjoy it.

I regret my 5th choice of FYP but now I can't complain so I have to be like, so be it liao lo.


I am bored and spamming shall end here.

Jya

Labels: bored

I am very bored, the lecture now is not even making much sense, yawns!!!

Labels: DAYDAYDAY

I am back to blog, cos I am procrastinating about doing my reports haha XD, yes I am damn daring, I need to hand in like tomorrow and I am still so heck care.

I have been thinking a lot this past week, I have changed quite a bit I guess, from the dumb idiot who was consistently crying everyday to the demon that is just hurting people because he is bored. I am hating myself now, a lot.

I have no idea how many people have I injured during this past week, mentally or physically, I also not sure how I injure them liao....

I know my heart is telling me, this is how it cures itself, but I know it is just running from the fact and just putting an evil front so people would start to avoid, then again this is my defence mechanism for many years, basically once I get hurt, I shrink, act like a bastard and make people avoid me, so I would be left alone.

This way, I would not get myself developing emotions for anyone and thus not getting hurt at all.

But still... In this process of things, I lose myself, I lose my smile, I lose a lot of things, all in the mind to create a void within myself..

Theoretically speaking, instead of calling a defence mechanism, it is more like a self-destruct mechanism. Not to the extent of death but at least to the extent of me losing my humanity.

I am just a very weak person, I have friends say I am stronger than a lot others, but instead, I think I am weaker than a lot others...

At least they can face their problems head on, I chose to let my heart give up and run away, I did not even dare to tackle the problems head on, I only know how to avoid......

Pain is something I can handle, and it is not because I am willed strong enough to endure it, more like I enjoy it to a certain extent, guess that's why I am SM LOL XD

I know I will probably be blasted by my friends when they read this, but I don't care, I just want to write it out, I won't force them to read, they don't need to read it.

I am unsure what to continue to write liao.... I shall end with a sentence then...


I have been standing behind you for so long, yet you never really did turn back once and look at me as me, but only glance at the surface of who am I, a weakling....

Well better not look also good, cos see further is an even more pathetic person only....

alright thats all

Jya

Labels: Rubbish

Oh hey people XD Well this will be the 200th post for this boring and useless blog of mine haha XD

Well one point to note here, it will be a super emo post so if you cannot take it, you are more than welcome to leave.

I guess for the past few days my emotions are in some kind of a wrecked, I have lost a huge portion of my sanity, I fear if things goes on as it is, I might just take my life soon...

What is wrong with me, I know my heart is so rubbish, I wish I can get into some kind of accident and lose all my memories, maybe from there, I can finally start anew and be less troubled, but such luck is not with me.

I guess I start to feel the strain since Thursday, I lost a lot of my emotions, I became very cold and unfeeling to everyone around me, I replied to every single person with a weak smile or a simple nod, I guess that is a way of me saying, "No I am not ok, but please don't leave me hanging alone." but yet I refuse to openly voice it in fear of troubling the people around me... I spoke with Diyanah and really got a lot of things out of my chest and thought I really felt much better... Well at least that is what I thought....

Then come Friday, I came to school early in the morning at about 8 am, hoping that I would find some people to hang out with, but the cluster was empty... So I basically just stoned there with my laptop and after awhile, I guess the emptiness just got to me and I just broke down there and then. I was crying damn badly for about half an hour and yes sadly I was seen crying, though I really hoped to cry it out alone. To make things worse, I was forcing myself to stop crying because I really cannot go help out with the open house duty in tears, so when I finally stopped crying, I go washed up and prepare to go for my duty.

Throughout the period of doing my duty, I managed to put my mind at ease at least for awhile. Then after that, I went over to help out at the JTC booth at atrium for open house. Then I rushed out to get the ingredients for the cooking session. I returned and continue to help out at the booth for awhile more before heading off to starting preparing for the cooking session. So after all the preparation and stuff, the session started and well it finished quite ok as well. Then after that just cooked for the GLs to eat, and after I am done cooking, I guess I was not hungry, I never eat anything and I just walked to the carpark sat there and I broke down again....

I guess I really suck with all this kind of rubbish...

Then yesterday, woke up early and went to school at about 9 plus. Then was just like slacking around and setting up the place until about 11. The crowd start coming in and we start to get busy, so I was moving around booths to help out. Then around 1 plus, I got into costume and continued to do my job and moved around. Oh, the stage collapsed and apparently someone got injured. I hope he is better now. Well then soon the event ended and the whole JTC got our group picture taken and we packed up. Had dinner at alumni and spammed loads of anime stuff with both Sakus XD Then went home, the journey home was rather long... Chatted with wen xiao and stuff and well she said some stuff and it really affected me...Reached home and stoned around, then I got tired and just as I slept I broke down again.....

Woke up today morning in very bad condition and stuff, it was so frustrating... Chatted with Diyanah and Tricia on MSN half way and I freaking broke down again, like fuck, this is it, crying for 3 days in a row, what rubbish is my emotions getting into....


I know the reason for the tears after some while.... I guess it is about me falling in love with the wrong person, and I thought I would not fall in love with that person, because I know I am in love with another girl... But I guess when I found out the girl has another, my heart just shifted accordingly......

I feel like some bastard..... I suck......

Oh well this is just rubbish.....


Jya

Labels: Rubbish

Alright this will be the first post for the new year.

School started today and best part, I ponned the first lecture of the year, LOL school just start and I pon class already, and best is when I was heading to the practical room, I met my lecturer whose lecture I ponned and he just chat to me and did not notice I was not in the lecture at all HAHA IMBA!!!!

I can only say my emotions are going crazy like no one's business. I feel so bad and very stressed, I hope Thursday faster come, because after Thursday, I will be very relieved cos I will have finished most of the assignments that I need to do, and even if new assignment comes in, I still have the weekends to complete it.

Now I am like trying to complete 3 of them and hand in tomorrow, but I cannot freaking do a thing with my parents around, I hate this and cos my room do not have a proper table, I cannot concentrate doing my work, this is irritating, I hate myself for being so fussy and stuff....

Well I do not know, as this much time has passed, I wonder have I really done my job as the Cultural Head of JTC, I seem to only remember slacking and commanding people to do the jobs, well at least for the remainder of this semester, I need to get down and seriously do some work, cannot keep making others do the work, I did not do anything at all, the only thing I do is like, download drama...

I will start doing more stuff after I finish the assignments on hand and make sure this last term is a blast, I need to make alot more memories.... Much much more memories, because I lonely up damn fast....

Oh well I will leave things here, I need to continue to do my assignments.

Jya

Labels: New Year First Post

It is like the last day of the year though it does not feel so at all...

Let me go through the year's stuff.

This year is the rockiest years I have, it was even more rocky than years when I am insulted the whole year round.

Reason for that is, I have been brought up to heaven and banished to hell a few times and it is really taking a toll on my body.

My health is also dipping and yes, it is worse than previous years because my emotions are in a whole whirl....

Even as I am typing this, I am in a very messed up state.

Well I have thanked many on my christmas post so I will not be doing any more so here.

I know there would be a few people who I have to apologise to, so if you receive a very personalised message from me, you know I have done you wrong and seeks for your forgiveness in this new year, though I know I am weak and probably anger you further, but slap me if you must to make me come to my senses...

Yes so it seems I will be working during January, says crazy to myself but yes I need the money and I don't care if my health will suffer further cos of it...

I will try to change myself at least a bit in the new year, at least I need to study more than usual.

Alright now, Happy New Year's Eve and shall hope New Year will be nice XD

Jya

Labels: New Year's Eve

well I guess I am pretty bored here, I am like blogging while I am at Tan Tock Sheng Hospital now LOL XD

Yea very sian have to come for checkup, blame on my stupid back with all it's rubbish problems...

But I guess this is better than not doing anything at home.

I am probably going to be here for like a few hours if it takes long, if I am lucky and it is going to be short, I will be done in 2 hours XD

Well I shall see what the doctor will be saying.....

I am tempted to go arcade later though, but I am not sure where yet though haha XD and I must see if I can find people too XD

For now, my back hurts and I need either a hug or someone to bite, yes I am either a gentle rabbit or a fierce tiger, I am very extreme.

oh well I shall see how the results will turn up.

Why is my body so old sia.... so much problem de....

I hope the doctor will declare I will die the next day then I no need to so mafan le....

make things simpler...

ok ignores my rubbish....

jya

Labels: hospitalll