I am back to blog, cos I am procrastinating about doing my reports haha XD, yes I am damn daring, I need to hand in like tomorrow and I am still so heck care.

I have been thinking a lot this past week, I have changed quite a bit I guess, from the dumb idiot who was consistently crying everyday to the demon that is just hurting people because he is bored. I am hating myself now, a lot.

I have no idea how many people have I injured during this past week, mentally or physically, I also not sure how I injure them liao....

I know my heart is telling me, this is how it cures itself, but I know it is just running from the fact and just putting an evil front so people would start to avoid, then again this is my defence mechanism for many years, basically once I get hurt, I shrink, act like a bastard and make people avoid me, so I would be left alone.

This way, I would not get myself developing emotions for anyone and thus not getting hurt at all.

But still... In this process of things, I lose myself, I lose my smile, I lose a lot of things, all in the mind to create a void within myself..

Theoretically speaking, instead of calling a defence mechanism, it is more like a self-destruct mechanism. Not to the extent of death but at least to the extent of me losing my humanity.

I am just a very weak person, I have friends say I am stronger than a lot others, but instead, I think I am weaker than a lot others...

At least they can face their problems head on, I chose to let my heart give up and run away, I did not even dare to tackle the problems head on, I only know how to avoid......

Pain is something I can handle, and it is not because I am willed strong enough to endure it, more like I enjoy it to a certain extent, guess that's why I am SM LOL XD

I know I will probably be blasted by my friends when they read this, but I don't care, I just want to write it out, I won't force them to read, they don't need to read it.

I am unsure what to continue to write liao.... I shall end with a sentence then...


I have been standing behind you for so long, yet you never really did turn back once and look at me as me, but only glance at the surface of who am I, a weakling....

Well better not look also good, cos see further is an even more pathetic person only....

alright thats all

Jya

Labels: Rubbish